Here's a sort of validation for anyone who really needs it..."Rolling Stone" magazine just published a "Special Collector's Issue", "The 500 Greatest Albums of All Time." The Rolling Stones' "Exile on Main Street" ranks 7th in this poll.

(The albums ahead of it: 1--Sgt Pepper's; 2--Pet Sounds; 3--Revolver; 4--Highway 61 Revisited; 5--Rubber Soul; 6--What's Going On.)

(I'm a big fan of the Fab Four...still, while I certainly agree that "Pet Sounds" should be at least in the Top 5, and so should "What's Going On," I'm not certain that I'd put 3 Beatles records before "Exile.")

I mentioned--in Entry 3911, A Prior Love of Travel--that one of the reasons I did not want to be away from home any more was the new kitten we had found, on April 14, 2010, just two weeks old (and let me say that she has grown up to be quite the pretty young lady!) Sadly however, last April--within a two week span--we had to put down the two cats I had had for what was then 14 years, Lowell and Goldwater. There are pictures of them mixed in with other photos from my home in Latrobe, PA...and later on in Tucson, AZ, found here.

This left Miercoles with no play partners...she seemed okay with that, for a while. I soon noticed that she depended more on us for playtime, which was okay except we weren't here much during the day. So, In September of last year, we adopted a partner for her...we went to the Arizona Animal Welfare League and picked out Cashew (as he was known then), an adorable two month old male kitten whose markings were so similar, you would think he was either her brother or that she gave birth to him.

The poor little guy had a very rough start...while at first he was fine, after a day or so we noticed he was having real trouble chewing his food...and he made small whimpering noises while he slept. He had lost almost all of his energy...though we had kept the two of them separated for the first few days, they were soon playing energetically with each other. That is, until he got sick...then she kind of turned on him when he didn't feel like playing back. It turned out that he had Calicivirus, and from what we read on the Internet, he likely had it when we got him at the AAWL. I was furious...while it cost us almost $800 (not including his adoption cost), I was more concerned that the poor kitty was suffering greatly...he had an ulcer on his tongue that must have been very painful, making it very hard for him to eat. Additionally, his system was weakened enough that he also developed a bad respiratory infection, which also attacked Miercoles, resulting in another large vet bill to treat her.

How could he have been allowed to come home with us, with this condition? Supposedly all animals are examined before they are released...certainly there had to have been some indications that he wasn't well! I expressed my concern by a telephone call to the AAWL...which was not returned. I sent several emails, finally receiving a response that, essentially, the AAWL was not and could not be held responsible for Cashew's condition, that Calicivirus was common in shelter animals, and there was no indication that he had it when we got him. There were many stories on the Internet about entire shelters that became infected with Calicivirus, and all the animals had to be put down. This can be serious business.

I was furious...all I wanted was a simple apology: "Yes, we're very sorry that this has happened. Perhaps we need to be more careful in our screening and release procedures. Please accept our apologies." What if a little boy or girl had been given a pet like him as a gift? Imagine their disappoinment! Imagine the family who has no patience and simply returns him, which is bound to be more traumatic to him.

Eventually, after several emails in which I threatened to not only withdraw our financial support but also refuse to give them a good reference (we had already made several good-sized donations in the past few years), I got an apology...well, sort of. It was worded close to the way I had wished for...and it only took three emails back and forth to receive it!

My official position regarding this matter is as follows: in 1998 my then-girlfriend and I visited the AAWL and adopted Lowell and Maynard, a several-month-old kitten that she took with her a year or so later when we broke up. I have never had any complaints about any part of that adoption experience, and indeed went back with my fiancee last September to choose Miercoles' new companion. Will we still support them with donations? Yes--the service they provide as a no-kill shelter is invaluable. Will we recommend them to others looking for a new pet? Yes...providing that you INSIST that the animal be THOROUGHLY examined (or, as thorough as the AAWL is in their examination). Ask many questions! Maybe, take a look at the prospective pet yourself, learn the signs and indications of possible illnesses, and choose accordingly.

Recently Cashew has gotten a new name, which was pretty hard to finally come up with. I believe that while you can name a pet whatever you want, it's their traits and characteristics that really should determine its name...and the one that finally evolved for him is R J Scooterpants. The "R J" comes from Robert John, who scored a hit record in the 70s with "Sad Eyes". Our little guy has eyes that are never completely wide open--his eyelids droop down a bit at the top, making him appear sad. It also can stand for Running and Jumping, which he does a lot, and the reason why he got the name Scooter. (He also got it after the sick rabbit in an old Minute Maid TV commercial). The "-pants" part is because when he runs, his gait is such that he looks like he's wearing a pair of pants that are too big for him (if that were even possible!).

There are pictures of Miercoles here...as well as those of Mr Scooterpants.

I just finished listening to "Exile on Main Street", the total number of times which must be in the high hundreds--which doesn't sound like a lot but really is, unless it's the total number of times you've told someone who's very special to you that you love them. You can't do that nearly often enough.

This is--in my humble opinion--the finest rock and roll album ever made...and yes, believe me, I know that takes in a lot of ground (but there are some close seconds). It's got blues, soul, gospel, a bit of country--the mix of which is what started rock and roll in the first place. Not completely polished at times (or at least, that's how Jagger and Richards wanted it to sound), the urgency of the music and sheer GET OUT is one of the things that really makes this recording stand out.

The other thing can be summed up with six words: Venetta Fields, Clydie King and Sherlie Matthews. The superb blending of their voices' rich soulful and gospel tones really helps push this album to the top. The three can also be found on other recordings, such as Steely Dan's "Can't Buy A Thrill" and Graham Nash's "Songs For Beginners".

They started a singing group called The Blackberries in 1973 and recorded an unreleased album. Since then they have mostly appeared separately on many and varied recordings. For example: on a recent VH-1 retrospective on Pink Floyd, Ms. Fields talked about being a part of the first "Dark Side of the Moon" tour in 1973 and her contributions to the 1975 record "Wish You Were Here".

These three women--collectively and individually--have done much to shape the music we know and love.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venetta_Fields

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clydie_King

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sherlie_Matthews

I've said on here before about how I've traveled...how it's been a huge part of my life for 20 years now. The excitement of every day being different...starting the day in one small town and often ending it in another...a life in hotel rooms, and dinners in--and from--restaurants. While others might find it tedious or lonely, for me it was just the thing.

It's easy to have such a life when you're alone, with no family or relationship or children at home. I once worked for a boss who kept wanting me to work just in my local area...I told him that he should take advantage of my situation while I was still by myself and could travel, because once that ended so would my traveling.

And, eventually, that is what happened.

A few entries ago I wrote about the great relationship I rediscovered...unlike previous ones in which I was often gone, traveling for my work, I would not want to be away for four days at a time like I always used to be.

And, there's another thing: this adorable kitten that was found last April in the parking/carport area where we live. She was just two weeks old, eyes barely even open.

I'll write more on this later on, in more detail, and with pictures as well. For now, let's just say I have fallen completely in love with this wondrous, precious and adorable little kitty.

Beyond just missing her--if something happened to her while I was gone, I could never forgive myself for not being there. It's very different--for me, anyway. It's almost like she's our little girl, but in a kitten's body.

It's like we now have the child we always wanted--when before we didn't get that chance, and thought it was gone forever.

--Sent from my NT MessagePad 2100

The day I've been waiting for since June 11, 2007 has arrived...I am now the proud owner of an iPhone...an iPhone 4 16GB with AT&T as a carrier, to be exact.

I chose AT&T (amongst many other reasons) at least partly because I heard a few kind of unsettling reports about some unannounced changes planned by Verizon, seemingly timed to coincide with the official iPhone launch on February 3, 2011...things like, well, this, from ARSTechnica, January 14, 2011:

"It's official: Verizon is ditching its "New Every Two" program and changing its early upgrade policy. Rumors began spreading earlier this week that Verizon had told sales reps to stop pushing the services, and Verizon has now confirmed with SmartMoney that this is indeed the case, and it will affect both new and old customers."

I worked for Verizon Wireless--first in Customer Care and then Technical Support. You know what they say about working at a restaurant--many times, with the things you see, you wouldn't want to eat there.

Another reason I chose AT&T was that Verizon’s CDMA network doesn’t allow simultaneous voice calls and data transfer (AT&T’s GSM network does)--from ARSTechnica, January 10: 

“This is obviously a personal usage scenario, and many people who already use Verizon seem to have no problem with this limitation. There are some ways in which this roadblock can get annoying, though. For one, Verizon execs confirmed that the iPhone won't be able to get push notifications while you're on a call, so even if you're not surfing the Web, nothing that uses data will be able to notify you of anything until you hang up.

“Secondly, the voice calls will interrupt anything you're doing over the data connection. So, if you happen to be downloading an app or using Verizon's personal hotspot feature to share the 3G connection over WiFi, receiving a phone call will mean that you'll have to choose between interrupting everyone's WiFi connections or simply ignoring the call.”

How is it? Well, it's pretty much great. There's nothing bad about the experience (at least so far), except unlearning how to do things the BlackBerry way, and learning to do them more intuitively with the iPhone. It loads web pages much faster, makes it much easier to read email, and is just all-around more of a pleasure to use. No longer do I have to put up with the awful trackball experience like my BlackBerry 8500 Curve had--there aren't many things more frustrating than a broken mouse/trackpad on your computer...or when you try and move the Curve's trackball and...nothing happens. Without that trackball--like without a mouse or trackpad on your laptop--you're dead in the water.

Prior to the Curve, for several years I'd had a touchscreen Windows Mobile phone ...so when I got the BlackBerry in August 2008 I wondered how I would adjust to using a pointing device instead of just touching the screen. I reasoned that  my laptops weren't touchscreen, and I've their trackpads for years, so what's the difference? As I found out with that frequently broken trackball, a lot. I tried the fixes on the web...soon I grew tired of those repair attempts and would just drag an alcohol-soaked Q-tip over the trackball in the direction that it failed to work...eventually it would start up again. But of course, I don't carry alcohol-soaked Q-tips around with me, so there would be times I'd be somewhere and it would fail to work. That would mean, no email...no way to return a call...no way to access most of the phone's features. You see the problem.

Due to service contracts over the last few years with my wireless provider (Sprint), I've been unable to purchase an iPhone...either a new model had just been introduced (and I'm a believer of the philosophy "don't buy version 1.0!"), or I was in the middle of a contract. So I waited (often not very patiently) for the right time to come.

Of course, there was always the hope that Sprint would pick up the iPhone...after all, the Verizon rumors had been in existence from the day the first iPhone was announced, and there has always been a feeling that once the exclusivity agreement with AT&T ended, all sorts of additional carriers might get involved. (We've since learned that Apple anticipates shortages of the Verizon iPhone--on top on its existing struggles to keep up with its current AT&T demand--so there will likely not be any new carriers announced at least until they're able to get ahead of that supply curve.)

I'd like to take this moment to dispel the rumor that I only wanted an iPhone because it was from Apple. I wanted it because it's a well-functioning machine, brilliantly thought out and engineered. It does what it's supposed to do--you decide whatever that function is--and then does it better and more intuitively. Hmmpf--well, that sounds like most Apple products for the past 30-some years.

Was it like I expected it would be? Well, since my only prior experience was a few minutes with showroom models at the Apple Store...I suppose that answer is: yes. I know for example that something as simple as the iPhone's really genius voicemail setup has been one of the many joys of this experience. One thing I haven't had is any of the infamous AT&T "spotty service coverage" problems...no dropped calls, no poor signal...at least, not as yet. Looking at the AT&T Coverage Map, I can see there's likely some areas that will be problems here...I just haven't gone there yet, apparently. Possibly, even...I won't.

Except for the daily use of text messaging, email and phone calls, I haven't played around with the iPhone all that much. Finally the other evening I was able to take the time and find, evaluate and download/install a few apps from the Apple Store. I'm not a person who plays a lot of video games, but I've been told that there's at least a few game apps that I'll *have* to try on here...I won't be able to put the phone down, I've been told.

As someone who fourteen years ago spent nearly all his leisure waking hours playing "SimCity 2000" on the first Sony PlayStation for months...I fear that addiction.

It's been some time since anything's been added here...yes, all is well, and (no rhyme scheme intended) there's much to tell. For example: A company I had been with for more than 6 years has gone under and called it quits...life's still great--well, mostly (you know me, I'll find something) ...my current relationship is still going strong (more on that later)...and, I have a new way to post entries here.

That last one--it's through email...while that's always been an option, it's usually been my way to sit down and just crank them out from the Mac laptop...you know, smoking cigars, drinking 7&7s, that whole thing. Well, I also have a Newton MessagePad NT2100 that I can use to email entries. I've had it for some time...just learned about the emailing entries part.

"Okay, so what's a "Newton MessagePad NT2100", you ask? Well...it's by Apple Computer, circa 1997...arguably the best thing about it is the amazing handwriting recognition (HWR for short). It's the ORIGINAL "PDA" (the then-CEO of Apple coined that term when it was introduced)...it's kind of big, as handheld devices go.

It's the grandfather of the iPad...yes, that's how important it is. The lessons Apple learned from the Newton, it applied many of them to the iPad.

What this means is I can write something down and send it by email here to Xanga, from the Newton...and it'll be posted. That's, "write it down"--literally yes, with my own handwriting--which it converts to text.

Much more can be found on the Newton here, at another website I have just for it: http://www.newtonphoenix.org .

There will be more to follow...a variety of different things, in the near future. Stay close.

I often ponder, and look back in retrospect--while I am in that shadowy, blurry place that exists just before we sleep, or at the moment when we are drifting off in midday--I often recall the times in my life that are most significant. There were times when certainly there were periods of turbulence...both pleasant and not.

The year 1987 was one such time...as was once best described, the best and worst of times. It's been spelled out on here some time ago just how ugly the first part of 1987 was...one of the saddest and lowest parts of my life.

And if that was the worst, then the second half had to be one of the best...a new city! A new life! Every day shining with the brightness of a new penny...each day clear and crisp and full of promise! Truly, a chance to start fresh.

See, I left Great Sadness behind...my life that could have been--and wasn't. My life...now. Or, more precisely...then.

But in my new city I was beaten down, emotionally, over and over...perhaps made to pay for what I had left behind. I sought out Love...and when it seemed I had found what I thought could've been the start of it, I was embarrassed that I could be so completely wrong.

It's been said that one of the marks of a good life is the ability to look back with little or no regrets. You make the best decision you can at the time...and go on from there. I know much more about the future now...as I have grown into it, gone from the past through the present and into it.

There is one thing that I wish I would have known...that my continuous search for Love would go on for many years...and when at last it ended (because I had all but given up), that which I was looking for so fervently would come from a most unlikely source.

And I think of my search...constant, driven, perpetual. But, ultimately, no new doors were opened, no new love appeared, no rest came to me. I had resigned myself that it was not for me...that I--who wanted a family more than most could imagine--would be alone the rest of my life.

How strange it is that when we have given up...the path to Love is clear. It is lit with the light of a thousand stars.

And so it was...with me.

Thanks to you.

But...we have always been together. Until our Rediscovery--we were only unaware.

Hmmm...yeah, like it says just above, listening to "Sequestered in Memphis". Great song...and, any half-decent sounding song that can successfully include both the words "subpoenaed" and "sequestered" meaningfully in the lyrics, and tell a pretty good story about a one-night stand gone horribly wrong--AND do so in as little as three minutes and thirty-two seconds--well, that's some kind of a song. And, just one of 6800 ever-increasing works of music and media found on my new iPod.

"Well", you say, "I thought you didn't like the iPod? I thought you wrote several years ago that you looked at the available options and liked your prized iPAQ better?"

Okay, okay, fine...hoist me on my own petard, here. Yes, I DID say that...and well, it's time for a couple of somewhat shocking revelations.

One--I was wrong about that...the whole iPAQ vs. iPod thing. More on that in a minute.

Two--I, uh...well...I couldn't, uh...OKAY WELL I'LL SAY IT. I couldn't, uh, figure out how to use the iPod.

Please understand that it pains me TERRIBLY to admit that...a device that a four-year-old child could operate, I could not. (And this was made even more painful when I watched a four-year-old child, while sitting on a bench waiting for her mother, do just that.) I consider myself to have above-average knowledge of nearly all things technical...but....

I've said this before...I overthink things...more so before than now, thankfully. I used to think about EVerything..."why is this like that?" "What is the meaning of this?" I have slowly taught myself to "dumb down"...accept some things simply as they are, face value.

So it was with the click wheel of the iPod...I didn't realize that you could move all around it, three hundred and sixty degrees. I was trying to only push on the four sides (top, bottom, left, right) of it...so I couldn't turn the volume up or down, or select a song...last January I must've stood with one for 20 minutes at the Apple Store in Albuquerque, NM determined to figure out what I could not years ago, when I first decided on the iPAQ over the iPod. Admittedly, there were other reasons for that...the iPAQ is a small handheld PC, and at the time I needed those PC-like features--like writing journal entries, categorizing notes, keeping appointments and address books, playing music, and so on. But, after the purchase of the Phone From Satan in August 2006, which was also a smartphone (small PC) and had all the same features (except the camera sucked, it was unreliable, on and on), and especially after the BlackBerry Curve purchase last August (2008), those PC features became less and less important...as I now had those features in those devices.

That little girl sitting on the bench moved her fingers too quickly--and she was a little too far away--for me to see the sliding of the thumb on the clickwheel. It wasn't until I was looking something up online and happened to accidentally see someone using the clickwheel that the light came on, and I "got it".

That overthinking stuff...that's bad. Still, better (arguably) than not thinking enough.

AND--one would think, knowing how much of a fan I am of Macs, that the iPod thing would've happened a lot sooner...not that there is an obvious connection, other than who makes both.

My hands-on iPod experience began when someone very special to me got me a 120GB Classic as a birthday gift, six weeks before my actual birthday.

(Note: This is someone whom I've mentioned before--who has, since that mention, restored the vast palette of color to my life, filling out the dreary greys and whites. This alone is no surprise, as for two and a half years she did that every day...selflessly and without expectation...simply. She is the best person I have ever known...or, ever will. But, there is too much there to talk about now...it rightfully should have its own entry--and, soon, it will.)

There is a certain magic to having all of one's music in one place...all readily available at the touch of a...well, clickwheel. I've converted some movies, and the video is sharp and clear on the screen. Anyone who is critical of watching a movie on that small but highly defined screen should try it. I once was one of those thusly critical--but when I started watching my favorite movie, "Blade Runner", just to see how it would look...eventually, forty minutes later, I had to tear myself away, for a dinner that was now growing cold.

I have an iPod...and I love it. Who knew?

(A final note: I must apologize for the title of this entry--in it I use "iPod" as a verb, as if one who uses one of the features on the device actively "iPods". I am adamantly opposed to those who use Google as a verb--" I Googled it", for example. One "does a Google search", one "searches with Google". Please--no usage of new nouns as verbs, I say...then I do the same thing. Ugh.)

When I left my real home in Western PA and drove across the US of A to get to Tucson, AZ, I had no idea I would soon hold this place in such derision...and, with such contempt.

I have always considered this city to be my adopted home..I lived here for six years and loved the place. I even made a return--for family reasons--in 2002. But, within the last six years or so, after careful observation, I've changed my opinion. It wasn't just what I saw here...but more what I saw in other places I've visited.

I've got a lot of problems with this "big city that thinks it's a small town", and its primary focus of--itself. Let's start off with something simple...the coverage of the University of Arizona (UofA) athletic program, to the exclusion of most anything else sports- (or sometimes news-) noteworthy. There have been times when there was something HUGE going on in the REST of the world...but noooo, we have to watch the coverage on the 10pm news of the upcoming UofA NCAA Football season...in June. The Arizona Diamondbacks have just won a crucial game in extra innings against a popular division rival...the Detroit Red Wings have won the NHL's Stanley Cup...but none of that matters. Wouldn't we rather see the UofA Women's Volleyball highlights?

It gets worse. If there is any connection between an athlete or celebrity and Tucson, you can damn well be sure we will know about it. If a player hits a home run in the World Series and by chance he attended Tucson's Sabino High School, don't be surprised if they don't interview his high school coach. And you didn't want to be here when the Mars Rover was launched...being as much of the work was done right here at the UofA. Believe me, I'm all for coverage of science and technology...but not to lead off the news ("the Rover moved three feet today, thanks to efforts by UofA scientists")...when the national story should be about, say, California falling into the ocean (oh, and "the UofA sent a science team to investigate the strange disappearance of the Golden State..."). Yeah, well I know...civic pride and all that. Well, huge cities like Los Angeles or Dallas seem to be able to strike a balance between local and national...and I've not seen it this bad (read: self-serving) anywhere else...and I've been all over, 10 times as many small towns as large cities. You would think that everything either starts here, ends up here, or passes through here along the way. A friend of mine and I have a typical joke about what that's like, a possible story on the Tucson news..."Lance Armstrong is on his way to winning his record seventh Tour de France. Armstrong once drove through Tucson, on Interstate 10, and stopped for fuel. The owner of that station remembers...."

Yeah yeah I made that up. But there's real, more scary examples....

Here's another thing I really dislike, with more substance than just my perception of its self-service: the mistrust and dislike Tucson has toward other communities...and the downright stubbornness of this town to change and/or improve. For one--the people that run this town are scared of freeways. Scared to death of them, apparently. it seems as if there is a strong fear this town will turn into a metropolis the size of Phoenix instantly, should any appear.

This is not a joke.

The city of Tucson has built several "highways" that have red lights on them...without these signals these would be something approaching "real" freeways. Well, we couldn't have that. Sooo...these roads have become a barely acceptable means of getting around. And the speed limit on these roads, which are steadfastly ignored as impractical by all but winter visitors, who actually take them seriously? Why, a breakneck 45 mph. Why would anyone want to drive faster than that, anyway? It was fast enough for our grandparents in 1930...it should be fast enough for us, by cracky.

Recently AZDOT (the Arizona Department of Transportation) was forced to improve a freeway exchange on the only real freeway here and the one the city can't put red lights on, Interstate 10. The overhaul of this exchange was necessary, as it connects I-10 and I-19, which is the Interstate that goes into Mexico. The cloverleaf construction of the old interchange forced people to go 25 or 30 miles per hour through the exit, or much much slower when there was more traffic...vehicles backed up, there were accidents, it was a mess. With the new interchange, these problems are alleviated. It seems, after all, that there are some drivers--Communists and Socialists and liberals and snooty Eastern types and tourists and Foreigners and people from that Great Satan, Phoenix--that insist on driving faster than 45 miles per hour. Why, we should lock them all up!

As they were building the giant overpass that was the I-10 to I-19 exit ramp, there was a photo in the newspaper of it, with a headline...which was, "Looking More and More Like L A". I am not making this part up. It was a simple Interstate exit overpass...one Interstate to another...two lanes one way, two lanes the other.

Special Notice to the City of Tucson: Listen up--CITIES DO NOT STAND STILL (as much as you might want them to)...like fish, THEY MOVE FORWARD OR THEY DIE.

Finally...well, for this entry, anyway...there was a study done here by the local newspaper, comparing Phoenix and Tucson. It was not popular.

After considering all the economic, transportation and social factors...Phoenix won out easily over Tucson (although it was acknowledged that not everything is perfect there, either). Just another reason to believe Phoenix is the Great Satan, a big bully come to steal Tucson's lunch.

For years, there have been stories in Tucson newspapers of Phoenix taking Tucson's state funding allocation...its CAP (Central Arizona Project) water allotment...its funding...its people. Threatening its very existence.

Phoenix cares nothing about any of that.

Phoenix knows that it cannot become Los Angeles...as unlike L A it carefully planned out its freeways 30-40 years ago, in preparation for its growth. While it admittedly might become huge, in the end it will at least be better organized.

Tucson has no plans for its growth...for example, there is no easy way to get from one end of the city to the other. An example of its poor planning: there is a parcel of land just to the west of Downtown, across I-10, in a historic district that has since fallen on hard times, and that has supposed to have been a number of things for years...a research park. A historical re-creation of Tucson centuries ago. An entertainment district. The city passed a Bond Initiative to gather funds for whatever it was going to do there. Well, discussions were held...and, finally, a decision was made. Only now, years later, the costs have outstripped the funds the City has been given by the voters. So...not enough money, no project, no action taken...the land sits.

Meanwhile, Phoenix has just completed its fabled Light Rail Project, initially connecting its Downtown to the East Valley cities of Tempe and Mesa...lessening its pollution problem and in the process continually finding new and novel ways to serve its citizens. (Said project is shown under construction in the photo, above.)

Oh, and did I mention? There's no traffic signals on any of the freeways in Phoenix. And, the speed limit on most of them is 65 MPH.

Oh, my. What is this world coming to?

(Scanned image of the newspaper is © The Arizona Daily Star, 2007.)

(As you can see by the Entry number, this is an earlier posting that was written some time ago, but has had some updating since then...and therefore hasn't been published yet. Remember, the DATES here indicate "posted order"...the entries can be in ANY order...and, often are.
--Editor)

Some random but occasionally cohesive thoughts on what "dating" has become for me, these days (late 2004--Editor). I am sitting outside a Starbucks in Tucson, AZ today...engaged in some reflection.

While in the past I needed very little help meeting and, uh, spending "private quality time" with pretty much anyone I wanted [hey, 18 for 18, remember? If not...well, I'll tell you about all that someday ], these days, with Internet dating...it's...different.

It certainly has taken--and will take--some adjustment.

An example: I don't believe in playing games...when I want to do something, I do it.

The rule might be, "wait a couple of days after the first date to call"...well, I might want to talk to this person now, so why would I wait? That "rule" just seems stupid and counterproductive to me.

And, my honesty has often caused me problems, because while I can be aloof and casual about things [it's not hard, I've learned how], it's not something I would choose to do.

I'm often fearful that it will be taken the wrong way. I mean, it's treating people the way you would want to be treated...if I am talking to someone and they act that way, aloof casual and disinterested, I just figure they'd just as soon not be bothered.

Many times I will send off emails as a "hello" to people on dating sites, to try and spark up a conversation...but it seems like it's a sort of black hole, most just don't respond [do they even RECEIVE these emails?].

There are some that do, though...and we have our "introduction dance", which is like something out of "Wild Kingdom" between birds or other creatures. We say things to each other, ask certain questions....

Perhaps my emails are more than one or two short paragraphs...perhaps they're more well-thought-out than others that are sent. While not paragraphs of questions or pages of writing [which of course I understand is too much], I clearly haven't mastered the art of the "internet dating email". And, they must seem like poison.

Because...soon there are no more responses.

My stance, my approach, is as if to come out of my cave and kind of make some sort of pronouncement, like "You're attractive" or "I like your style" or "We seem to think alike" as an opening statement, which I consider to be an honest, no-nonsense way to relate to someone. Then there are sounds not unlike crickets chirping....and silence.

So I go back into the cave where it is cold and dark and beat myself up for being such an idiot...and "How could I be so stupid?" and "Why do I even keep trying?"...and I feel the heartache down into my fingertips, the aching, the sadness and the loneliness....

And every day that I make these attempts at communication--and fail to see a result--this goes on and on. I really don't know why I haven't given up long long ago. Why I even persist.

The title of this Entry is from the late and sadly departed Warren Zevon, and his song "Accidentally Like A Martyr"....the chorus has these lyrics:

"We made mad love, shadow love,
Random love and abandoned love,
Accidentally like a martyr...
The hurt gets worse and the heart gets harder."

Were things to have gone the way they were supposed to, the way I have believed that they were DESTINED to, twice--both long ago and not-so-long ago...well....

Well, there would be no online dating now...or, dating of any kind. There would be no need for ANY of that. Just a nice happy relationship...which, despite the 18-for-18, is all I have ever wanted.

All of which just proves to me, everything does NOT happen for a reason. Some things just...happen.

And...as if to prove Newton's Third Law of Physics ["For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction"]....

...Some things just...don't.

=/